In the days leading up to summer term 2011, every schmuck in Gainesville left. The reason? They finally realized it was a small town shit hole and decided to head out to different regions of America, where they could get away from the smell of used textbooks and morning-after vomit stained couches.
The youthful and boisterous headed south to Miami, where they would later find out that the smell of sand and cuban sandwiches appear awesome as a tourist and as a permanent resident.
The sunglass Tom’s headed west and stopped when they needed another drink. They all landed somewhere in the middle america: the indistinguishable states from Tennessee to Texas to Oregon, which the east coast know as one big blob referred to as the midwest.
The whole liberal arts department and all of their associated majors left for San Francisco in one big caravan. The sexually confused community in Gainesville followed close behind. They call it the CLAS-LGBT connection.
Back to Gainesville. The decrepit college town, reeking of second-rate Ivy League wait-listers, Bright Futures freeloaders, and that small percentage of students that just snuck by because daddy’s wallet was too fat to fit in his back pocket, was finally emptied of these orange and blue mutant students.
The whole city (if it can even qualify as one) was covered by a thick haze of yellow smog, which was the result of a treacherous last night of partying before every single student cleared out like a swarm of ousted cockroaches.
The ville became empty. Gainesville is dead.
The Reitz Union still stands tall, but there are no dance groups practicing outside. No one is buying a smoothie from Freshens and the billiards balls are all scattered from the last game on the green-carpeted pool tables on the ground floor. The hotel rooms on the top floor of the Reitz Union are all vacant. The pillows untouched. That’s the only thing that hasn’t changed. No one important stayed there anyway. Only the parents who were way too involved in their daughter’s education.
All preview sessions were cancelled, leading up to the days before summer. When it became apparent that students were disappointed with the way things were being done at the University, the Dean of Students Office and the Office of the President, led by Dr. Bernie Machen, cancelled all admissions and recruiting efforts.
On his way out of Gainesville, one student stopped on the side of the road by the exit of I-75 S. He held up a sign that read “Rising Tuition Sucks!” The highly intellectual sign was a reflection of the student’s annoyance with rising tuition and how it sucked.
Another student, Kyle Berter, said that he was fed up with the talk of block tuition and that forcing students to take at least 15 credits was a bad idea. “I’ve been taking 12 credits since my freshman year.” Kyle was supposed to be entering his Senior year at the University of Florida. Now he’s just entering a permanent period of senioritis.
While all of the students left Gainesville to pursue their pipe dreams of waiting tables in LA, doing off-off-off broadway plays in NYC, and taking their talents to South Beach to play ukelele for loose change on the streets of Miami, most professors decided to create a thriving community in Gainesville.
With no classes in session, many professors have taken up new hobbies within the city limits.
The once disgruntled professor, Dr. Corevatch, instructor of one of the intermediate chemistry classes at the University, can now be found quilting, while lazing on a hammock by Lake Wauburg. Where did this hammock come from? Well, when it was announced that classes were suspended, one clerk at the Office of Student Financial Affairs took it upon herself to disperse the funds to putting up more hammocks around the city of Gainesville. Betsy Mathers created the Hammock Fund, a XPUF (Ex-Professors of the University of Florida), project aimed at making the city more welcoming in lieu of the disastrous vandalism that occurred in the massive exit of tens of thousands of students at the end of Spring term.
Another professor decided to go on a world tour and yet another has taken her talents to a more gratifying job as a kindergarden teacher. It seems that the academia surrounding college students gave professors a reason to be gigantic dickwads. In turn, this attitude was slowly deteriorating their personal lives. Fortunately, the diaspora of students moving out of Gainesville released hormones of happiness from the fried synapses of professors from all around campus classrooms and offices, leading to a declining rate of suicidal tendencies in the Gainesville age demographic of 35-60 years old.
It’s reported that 20,000 students said bye to Gainesville from their rear view mirrors because of the $35 price raise in the student Football ticket lottery. The lottery used to be 70 some odd dollars to sign up for a chance to win season tickets for Gator Football home games. The next season’s Football ticket lottery was set at $105.
As the announcement was sent through the University of Florida listserv mailing system, students became enraged. Soon, there was a domino effect and student after student abandoned their duties as a Florida Gator. By 5:56 PM EST on April 25th, a record 20,000 students withdrew from the University of Florida. Almost all of them from the undergraduate college. Most graduate level students stayed because of ongoing research responsibilities and their inherent lack of interest in the sport.
However, the trigger was pulled when the on-campus Indian hipster group, the Hari Krishnas upped the ante. They serve free plates of food from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM every weekday when school is in session. The vegetarian cuisine (if it can be called that) has a recommended donation of $4.00 attached to it. On the 26th of April they got greedy. They decided to up their recommended donation to $5.00.
All hell broke loose in the graduate student body. All 16,000 graduate students packed their belongings and left the next morning. The Hari Krishnas still play their music in the Plaza of the Americas and have increased their recommended donation to $7.00 a plate because professors can afford to donate a little more than students. Just a little. Not really that much more.
The remaining undergraduate students left over, which numbered around 14,000 students, decided that staying in Gainesville was a waste of their youth. The student body president was one of them. He sent out a mass text to all 14,000 students saying it was time to leave.
By April 29th, Gainesville was dead of students. The town that was once full of jovial orange and blue pride and home to multiple SEC and BCS Championships was devoid of students. The small community of professors and Hari Krishna folk are the only residents left at the University of Florida. They live together in the Carlton Auditorium and the New Physics Building. The smarter ones live in Hume Residence Hall, which was once the Honors College. Levels of intelligence were decided arbitrarily and without reason.
At 9:45 AM June 13th, 40,000 students woke up and found themselves disappointed with the Seminole tradition at Florida State University. Taking a liking to gators, they decided to all migrate to the University of Florida to make it for the beginning of Summer B. President Bernie Machen is welcoming all of them with open arms, with one stipulation: they are all required to take a class called “Fruits.”
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*Post Image from Journeys of Jack Tripper
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